The situation I find myself in:

The world is spinning; I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I can’t hear. I am currently submerged underwater, traveling at breakneck speeds down a frigid river littered with rocks, drops, holes, and class III-IV whitewater. Picture a load of laundry mid-spin cycle: that would be my current situation, completely at the mercy of the current and the force of gravity. I reach for the surface, but I’m not entirely sure which way is up, or down for that matter. All I see in front me is the violent whirling and foaming of water, and my paddle, which thrashes wildly as I desperately attempt to hold on. How long have I been underwater?

How I found myself in this situation:

We had just put in on the Middle Fork of the Salmon River, the beginning to a weeklong rafting trip through vast forests, ceaseless canyons, and untamed wilderness. A combination of my novice-level kayaking ability and murky water due to recent thunderstorms has resulted in me flipping my kayak and swimming through a rapid within the first mile. Six days, 99 miles left to go, and I already have soggy clothes and lungs full of water. What a way to start this trip.

At the time, I was a recent high school graduate, preparing for my first year away at college. In a couple weeks, I would move from my hometown of Bend, Oregon to Idaho, where I would live away from home for the first time. That summer was spent buying books, packing boxes, and gathering all the items needed for the year ahead. I remember it all feeling so surreal, like I was leaving one life and entering another. As I am an only child, my parents were likely also anxious as I prepared for my departure. Since we had traveled extensively as a family throughout my childhood, they wanted to send me off with one final family trip, one we always dreamed of: whitewater rafting down the Middle Fork of the Salmon River.

Now, this is not an easy trip to pull off. Due to popularity that lead to high levels of traffic in the summertime, one must either apply for a permit—which can take years to receive—or join a commercial trip—which costs thousands of dollars. Furthermore, Mother Nature must be on your side. We had actually attempted to run the Middle Fork twice before, but were turned away when wildfires closed down the river. Luckily, I have an aunt and uncle who guide on the river and were able to score us discounted spots on a commercial guided trip. The fires were absent this year and it seemed like the third time really would be the charm. Except now, I find myself sopping wet and cursing myself in the middle of this unforgiving wilderness.

A question I keep asking myself:

I will be starting school soon and have no idea what to study. What will be my major? What will I do with my life? These questions rattle around in my head and become increasing louder as move-in day approaches. Additionally, it seems each person that hears I am starting college is equally curious of the answer to this question, further compounding my angst.

“What are you majoring in?” repeats a guest on the trip as I stare back blankly after the first time she asks.

“Umm…I haven’t decide for sure but I’m thinking business…yes, business.” No offense to business majors but this seems to be my default.

“So, what do you want to do with that?”

Oh, fuck. She went there. Isn’t there something else we can talk about? Anything else? I usually like to let a far-superior future version of myself decide these important life questions, but no matter how much I attempt to avoid them, they keep recurring like a bad Chainsmokers song.

A day on the Middle Fork:

A trip on the Middle Fork includes six days and fives nights of epic whitewater rafting down 100 miles of untamed river through landscapes that range from dense spruce and Lodgepole pine forests to desert canyons. Gourmet dinners of grilled salmon, roasted fresh vegetables, and Dutch oven baked desserts consume our evenings and nights are spent reminiscing on who had the best ‘swim’ of the day—which always seems to be me—before crawling into sleeping bags and dozing off under the stars.

It’s day 4, my kayaking skills have dramatically improved since that dreadful first day as I expertly navigate the first set of the Tappan rapids—one of the more notorious series of whitewater on the river, ending with Tappan Falls. I watch as my companions, one by one, successfully maneuver the rapid. First the oar rafts, followed by the paddle boat, then the kayakers; finally, it’s my turn. This is the largest waterfall I’ve run to date, but I remind myself to lean forward and keep paddling through it. As the nose of my kayak begins to drop over the lip, I make one final vertical stroke, accelerating through the air and landing at the base a few feet below. Cold water splashes all around me and the jolt of the landing throws off my center of gravity, but I remain upright. Ecstatic and brimming from ear-to-ear, I join the others, who have eddied out below the falls.

That evening, we enjoy a meal of fish tacos and margaritas at camp. This is one of the most sought after campsites on the river, as it is nestled just below the confluence of the river and Loon Creek, where a short trail leads to a natural hot springs pool along the creek. The river is littered with hot springs along its course, but this is one of the few campsites that is within close proximity to one.

As I lean back in the warm pool, I feel the muscles in my back and shoulders slacken from the tightness caused by dozens of miles of paddling. I sip a chilled PBR—my drink of choice for river trips—while chatting with my parents, my uncle, and two cousins who have joined us on the trip. My gaze wanders into the distance. The warm hues of the sunset illuminate the sky with shades of orange and smears of lavender, while a steady, yet calm breeze makes its way through the canyon, stirring the pines as it passes by. We are all quiet for a moment, absorbing the serenity of the wilderness around us.

A journal entry I wrote on wilderness:

            Wilderness is an interesting concept. First, there is true wilderness—the wild, where the law of nature governs and man is just another mortal inhabitant of a deeply primitive and interconnected system. On the other end, there is legislative Wilderness; note the capital “W,” plots of public land set aside to be protected from development and human influence. The question is: does this planet really contain any land that has not been impacted in some way by humans? Is there any true wilderness left?

The Middle Fork flows through the heart of the Frank Church River of No Return Wilderness—the largest federally protected Wilderness area in the United States outside of Alaska. This place feels wild. The air is crisp; the river flows free, and wildlife roam without determent. Yet, human influence is ubiquitous. Each summer, thousands of tourists flock here to spend a week rafting and camping along the celebrated river. We pass countless other groups each day. Campsites must be reserved beforehand, and only a limited number of groups can launch per day. There are times I feel more at a theme park than a remote wilderness.

For all that, there are still moments of pure awe. This happens usually at night, whilst lying beneath an unobstructed starry night sky, listening to the crackling of a dying fire, and the distant lonely howls of wolves that lurk in the woods beyond. This is when I feel truly wild. I begin to think we need more places like this, that the world needs more places like this.

What I’ve learned as we near takeout:

On day 6, we conclude our journey as we emerge out of Impassable canyon, joining the waters of the Main Salmon as it makes its way towards the Snake, then the Columbia, before ultimately reaching the Pacific Ocean. Our takeout is a few miles below the convergence of the Middle Fork and Main Salmon.

As we float the final miles towards the takeout, I hear a faint whine in the distance. It sounds like that of a mosquito, but I can’t quite make it out. The sound grows louder and sharper as we approach, until it overpowers the acoustics of the flowing current. At that moment, a large speedboat breaks the horizon line, whizzing towards us as its engine pierces through the breeze. A group of hunters standing towards the bow give us a friendly wave as they pass us and continue their crusade upstream. Following the course of the river, cars ramble by on the highway leading back to the town of Salmon. I realize I’m no longer in the wilderness.

Over the course of the last six days of rafting, five nights of sleeping under the stars, and 100 miles of traveling by boat—entirely at the speed and mercy of the river—I find myself with a clear mind and a new perspective on the days that lay ahead. I carry the lessons of the wild with me as I re-enter the civilized world: to be patient and follow the current, eventually it will lead to your destination; to lean forward and keep paddling in times of stress; to take a moment to admire the grandeur of what is around you. It’s true that there may not be any true wilderness left, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still places that are worth preserving. This is one of those places.

The situation I find myself in now:

At the time of this writing, I have just finished my four-year degree, graduating with a Bachelor’s of Science in Environmental Studies—a decision largely a result of that trip down the Middle Fork four years ago. I am about to depart on a one-and-a-half year journey traveling around the world where I hope to seek out more wilderness and further fine-tune my life and career path. To this day, I still carry with me a passion for wild places and for preserving them. Whoever coined the term ‘River of No Return’ got it spot on. In many ways, the person who ventures down the river does not come out the same. In others, a piece of that person stayed behind, endlessly calling him back to the wild.